Elbows are up on both sides of the border over Lake America

       Ever since I heard the president’s absurd Lake America name change, my mind has been doing cartwheels.

      Can anyone arbitrarily change the centuries-old name of Lake Ontario? Will the St. Lawrence River become the next bargaining chip in the insane trade war with Canada? Do the Great Lakes belong to history or the people of our neighboring nations?  How do these waterways get named? There are so many implications and possibilities.

    Canadians are irked. The Seneca Nation in upstate New York is peeved. My friends are disdainful.

     A Brier Hill native living in Charlotte, N.C.: “Can we look any more ridiculous in the eyes of the world?’’

    A Balmat native living in Kentucky: “Bahahaha … The most ridiculous president ever.’’

  A Rochester resident living in Florida: “How do you support this crap?’’

  The manager at my car repair shop, who grew up about two hours west of Ottawa, rolled his eyes, uttered an expletive, then added: “This guy is so full of himself.’’

   My favorite came from Ontario Premier Doug Ford who profanely offered: “He can kiss my a**,’’ then added “I have a lot of real estate on my (butt) so he has a lot of room to kiss … I’m a big dude. What can I say?”

  I’ve heard of elbows up? Butts too?

   I only included the sanitized comments. Me? This pettiness doesn’t keep me awake at night. It’s just another example of why many of us tune out Washington when the national interest should focus on affordability, immigration, national debt, health-care costs and a “four to five weeks’’ war that has lasted six months.

   This name-change bluster started when the United States and Canada couldn’t renegotiate a trade deal. The president responded by slapping 50 percent tariffs on $20 billion of goods such as auto parts, lumber, furniture and liquor. Canada retaliated on $20 billion of American steel, appliances and electronics.

  Canada already had its elbows up over the president’s suggestion that our northern neighbors become the “51^st state.’’ We all know about lost revenue at our international bridges and the blow to the North Country economy as Canadian tourists quit spending on meals, motels, excursions and shopping.

   But the Lake Ontario decision raises a host of issues:

   Naming rights: The president exercised his name-change through executive order, but that doesn’t mean most people will follow it. As my domestic editor pointed out, type Gulf of Mexico into Google. It appears as Gulf of America but no one calls it that.

   Gulf of America? The late Jimmy Buffett would need several “tall an’ strong’’ Hurricanes if he had to change the lyrics to “Sea Cruise,’’ “Gulf Coast Highway’’ and “Gulf Coast Girl.’’

     Google’s stance is that it follows the naming protocol of the host country. Mapquest has announced it won’t change the name.

   Ignore the natives: The native peoples of Canada inhabiting the Great Lakes, the Ojibwe, dubbed these waters Niigaani-gichigami, meaning “lake of shining waters.’’ Natives on the American side, the Haudenosaunee, used Oniatarí:io, which also means “lake of shining waters.’’ So centuries ago, the indigenous people didn’t need a trade deal to figure things out.

   Education: Do we throw out the textbooks with maps labeled Lake Ontario? Imagine those children who relied on HOMES to recall the names of the Great Lakes (Huron, Ontario, Michigan, Erie and Superior). Before I could shuffle the capitals letters and substitute A for the O, several wags already had beaten me to the latest online jab — SHAME.

  Borders: We’ll need to tighten our borders with Canada. The feds could start on Zavikon Island, whose 32-foot bridge over the river is billed as the world’s shortest international span (betcha that would begin to stem the overwhelming drug traffic coming from Canada). But the feds would be wrong on two counts. Comparatively little drug traffic occurs along our northern border, and the island is entirely within Canada.

    Thousand Islands: For practical purposes, there are 1,864 islands but the geologic count is 1,149 – 665 Canadian and 484 American. How about building a wall and floating it on buoys?

  With that done, we could leave the name of the Thousand Islands International Bridge alone; it’s generic enough. But the Ogdensburg-Prescott International Bridge must be renamed. How can we Make America Great Again with a Canadian town in the name?

  Geography lesson: Just for the record, Lake Ontario is roughly 190 miles long and 55 miles wide. If you measure the lake according to the existing borders, 53 percent falls in Canadian territory and 47 percent in the United States. Do minority owners control the naming rights? Just asking.

   History reminds us of more neighborly times (June 1959) when President Eisenhower and Queen Elizabeth traveled together to christen the St. Lawrence Seaway. But for now, I’ll wait for the next bluster. Restricting exports of Thousand Islands dressing? Abandoning the International Joint Commission that oversees Great Lakes water issues? Resuming the War of 1812?

  The online wisecrackers already have predicted the president’s next move – renaming Canada geese as Donald Ducks.

    Morristown native Jim Holleran is a retired teacher and sports editor from Rochester. Reach him at jimholleran29@gmail.com or view past columns under “Reflections of River Rat’’ at https://hollerangetsitwrite.com/blog/