Issuing a match-play challenge to the Commander In Cheat

  When the announcement broke last week that President Trump claimed his 43^rd golf title, I chuckled.

  I’m not jealous of his hardware haul. This has nothing to do with his stance on immigration, tariffs, environment, Washington “beautification’’ projects or the war in Iran. I’ll leave that to the politicians. I snickered because I’m a sports guy, born and bred into a sports family, and, I hope, a purist. So when he claims another title – all coming at his private clubs – I remain incredulous.

  President Trump has a dubious history.  He declared himself the winner of a senior title in West Palm Beach, Fla., when he was 600 miles away. Last week, he claimed he shot 70, 10 strokes under his age, to win the senior and super senior titles at Trump National in Bedminster, N.J.

  Golf always has been a game of honor where players follow golf etiquette, self-impose penalties and rely on personal integrity when posting their score.

 Not Trump; he cheats. That’s why I’m challenging him to a match-play duel in the North Country. More on that later.

  The cheating charge shouldn’t seem harsh to anyone. The leader of the free world may only be surpassed by former North Korea dictator Kim Jong-il, who credited himself with a  38-under-par score of 34 for his first and only round in 1994 at Pyongyang Golf Course. Dear Leader awarded himself 11 holes-in-one. The odds of that happening are in the trillions of trillions.

   Trump’s cheating is surpassed only by his ego. After the latest contrived title, he bragged on Truth Social: “I won with a score of 70, and am so honored in that, unlike the rest of the field, I’m given very little time to practice, because I’m focused on many other things. It’s called TALENT, and I have it, and they don’t!”

   Wow. Such a humble man.

   Rick Reilly built a reputation as a witty, clever columnist for Sports Illustrated and ESPN the Magazine,  but one of his most enduring works was a 2019 book “Commander in Cheat: How Golf Explains Trump.’’

   “As a golfer he really offends me,’’ Reilly wrote. “Cheating? Hate that. Driving carts on greens? Hate that. Wearing old dockers two sizes too small for him? Give me a break. Kicking your ball so often the caddies call you Pelé? I so hate that. Most of all I hate how stupid he’s making my country look.’’

   I’m not talented enough to carry Reilly’s laptop, but the cheating thing irks me too. I consider myself a purist because I rise before dawn at least two days a week during golf season. I’m second or third out on my course, and I walk and carry my clubs. There are no breakfast balls or mulligans. Behind a tree? Chip out. Three putts? Own them. Your score is your score. No do-overs.

   That’s why I had a minor Walter Mitty moment and daydreamed I would challenge The Narcissist-in-Chief to a match-play event. I worked out all the details in my dream.

  We wouldn’t play St. Lawrence State Park Golf Course in Ogdensburg. I started playing there as a 14-year-old with a lousy swing and terrible pace of play, but at par 35 and 2,914 yards it’s too short. Nope, I need something longer that I can handle at age 69 but would leave Sir Foot Wedge struggling. Let’s try the white tees (6,207 yards) at Oliver D. Appleton Golf Course at St. Lawrence University.

  Advance-News sports editor Dave Shea will need to be there to record this showdown for posterity. I’ll also need a posse of observers to ensure that Trump’s  caddy doesn’t drop extra balls nor Secret Service agents throw balls back into play from the woods ala Welcome to Mooseport.

   There will be no worries about Trump driving his cart on the greens because I’ll insist we walk and carry our clubs. That was the way golf was intended to be played. It is supposed to be a measure of fitness.

 Like the preliminary hype to any heavyweight match, here is tale of the tape:

Category	Holleran	Trump	Comment
Height	6-4	6-0	He claims he is 6-3.
Weight	215	215 reported	Can’t decide how he hides the extra 55 pounds.
Age	69	80	Can’t match my fitness from reffing and hoops.
Driving	220 yards	180 yards	Huge advantage off every tee box.
Putting	Mediocre	Average	Awards himself a lot of gimmes. Putt everything!

   I’ll give myself two other advantages — a longer, more fluid swing and superior short game. Trump takes it way inside of the preferred backswing plane, then corrects on the way through the ball. His inconsistency can’t match my truer swing.

  Reilly cracked on Trump’s short game.

  “I played him. That was the day he took the only gimme chip-in I’ve ever seen. A chip is a gimme? Trump’s pretty good off the tee but he chips like Edward Scissorhands.’’

    Nobody wants to go on record criticizing Trump, but a member of one of his clubs admitted: “I’ve seen him play many times. He probably was a 4 or 5 handicap in his prime (most knowledgeable observers would say 15 at best). He’s 80, and he drives it about 180 yards now. No one like that can win a senior club championship in any universe.’’

  I’ve got one more advantage … my big fat Irish mouth. I’m saving this encouragement for the president: “Take your time on the next three putts.’’

      If you want a noble sportsman with integrity, I present Arnold Palmer. In 1984, my first year on the sports copy desk in Rochester, Palmer and Miller Barber were locked in a duel for the U.S. Senior Open on Oak Hill’s 15^th hole. Palmer whiffed on a 1-inch putt. Few, if any, saw it, but Palmer penalized himself a stroke and called out “five.’’ Barber was astonished. He thought Palmer meant “four.’’ Palmer stood by the penalty and Barber won the tournament by two shots.

  That was my living lesson in integrity. Palmer was too legit to cheat.

       Morristown native Jim Holleran is a retired teacher and sports editor from Rochester. Reach him at jimholleran29@gmail.com or view past columns under “Reflections of River Rat’’ at https://hollerangetsitwrite.com/blog/