Men, women are different animals within the same enduring marriage

      The Saturday morning plan seemed tidy. We would relax over breakfast at a diner followed by a brief trip to an estate sale to purchase a vintage end table.

Then Mary began to add layers. Her friend, Kaye, would tag along to the estate sale. We made a quick detour and picked her up. I soon learned the table pickup wasn’t the sole motivation. Browsing was involved … for 30 minutes.

    Then there was the second, unannounced estate sale on the way home “on a cute street.’’ What makes a street “cute?’’ I never got an answer. But the sale was made worse by the requirement to remove your shoes.

    I drew a line there. I already was under shopping duress, and the Shoeless Joe Jackson requirement would aggravate the neuropathy in my feet. As I killed time in the car, it reminded me of all the differences between men and women that I have observed over the past 38-plus years of compromising.

   Here is my mix of sexist and junk-science observations:

OUR ORIGINS

    Men and women are two different species. If Mary’s line of homo sapien descendants emerged 200,000 years ago from the Homo erectus in Africa, then it is without question that some Cro Magnons and Neanderthals hid out in ancient Ireland and, before extinction, produced my breed of knuckle-dragging, sports-loving Celts. I am sure there were no cave wall drawings in County Clare about a women’s inherent right to have put the toilet seat down. You have to learn that on the fly, beginning with the honeymoon.

ELEMENTARY SCHOOL

   By fourth grade, teachers observe the social differences between boys and girls, and its jaw-dropping.

   Two boys can get in a scuffle at breakfast and eat lunch together. Two girls can get into a quarrel at breakfast, and it lasts for months. They air grieveances in descending order, from third, second and first grades. Slights, sleepovers, namecalling – they are all revisited. Israeli-Palestinian peace talks seem simpler.

EVENT PLANNING

   When it was Mary’s turn to host book club, I faced a dilemma – hide in the basement for the Guardians-Yankees game or flee.

   If I sequestered in the basement, I’d endure 2½ hours of chatter about relationships, home decorating and neighborhood news. The basement door was taken down 25 years ago so we could hear our children at play; you hear everything. It assaults my sexist, guy-centered sensibility. I figure book club is 2 hours of visiting and 30 minutes of book talk.

   Book club also involves presentation. Chairs are placed, snacks are prepared, a book graphic is centered on the coffee table. Don’t sample the cheese and crackers, bowl of M&M’s, or brownies. They are all arranged on the platters.

   The din makes it difficult to hear the baseball game. Turning up the commentary on the Guardians game to circular-saw levels draws complaints. So I did the noble thing; I abandoned ship. My golf partner’s wife was at the same book club so I hid at his place.

    Book club is the antithesis of a Bills game with the Irish mafia in Danny Boy’s garage. My boys grab lawn chairs from the stack, then sit in the elements with the garage doors, bags of chips and popcorn, and beers – all opened. The conversation centers on whether Buffalo can run the ball and stop the run, a mix of F-bombs and character assassinations directed at the opponents, debates on pass interference, and calling out movie lines and one-liners that accompany a story. At halftime, help yourself to hot dogs. Your sleeve is your napkin.

WHO IS IN CONTROL?

   One huge similarity between men and women remains – who is right in a marriage? Who’s in control?

   The Pew Research Center in Washington, D.C., will inform you that power and strength are words associated positively for men and negatively for women. That is not a determination of marriage rights or a basis for decision-making, it’s simply a reflection of societal norms.

   In my house, it engenders a debate on whom is correct – the former sports editor or the former metro editor. The fight for control – fight is too strong a word – the negotiations for control involve debates of logic, interrogations, and cues of language, tone of voice and facial expressions. Common sense, supported by 38 years of trusting your partner, decides issues. But the trust factor has its lighter moments.

   When I felt guilt for not cooking enough in my retirement – Herself still works – I surprised my spouse with homemade shrimp and sausage jambalaya served with cornbread. Mary arrived home from work and the gym.  Already, the table set was set, drinks were poured, and wisps of steam were rising from the  centerpiece bowl of jambalaya.

   The table looked perfect. The timing was perfect. The aroma was wonderful. 

   I waited for a word or phrase of affirmation, but trust got in the way.

   “Are you going on a golf trip?’’

        Morristown native Jim Holleran is a retired teacher and sports editor from Rochester. Reach him at jimholleran29@gmail.com or view past columns under “Reflections of River Rat’’ at https://hollerangetsitwrite.com/blog/