Closing the calendar year with my favorite one-liners

 Christmas is here. Tomorrow marks Boxing Day. That’s not a day to return presents to stores in boxes. It’s a day to give to the needy.

    If you need a laugh or two, here is my gift to you – my favorite one-liners.

The Star-Spangled Banner
  I’m standing next to my fellow referee at a high school basketball game, waiting behind the scorer’s table for the national anthem.

 He turns to me and wisecracks: “Francis Scott Key. I heard he was a one-hit wonder.’’

Still Crazy After All These Years

     Five years ago, I claimed to hold the record for the oldest participant, and oldest player to make a 3-pointer at the Morristown CS alumni game. But when I returned to my morning basketball game at the local YMCA, the resident wisecrackers, Mike and Randy, immediately tossed barbs at a 61-year-old.

   The front of my shirt contained “2018 Morristown vs. Hammond Alumni Game.’’ The reverse side had a “HOLLERAN’’ nameplate with a massive number 75 for the year I graduated.

  “Where the heck did you get that?’’ Mike cracked.

  Randy, as if they had rehearsed, chortled: “75? It’s gotta be his age. It’s too high to be his IQ!’’

Loose stool in the classroom

    My colleague in the adjoining sixth-grade classroom drew the most unhygienic boy in the entire school. This teacher worked with the child, rearranged seats and fielded complaints but suffered the fallout from this child’s personal habits. He was 11 so you can blame his parents for not teaching him.

     Gordon would eat sugary foods for breakfast at home, then frequently pass gas at his desk at mid-morning. His peers often complained to the teacher. One day, he defecated in his pants and the stench upset his classmates.  But Gordon denied and denied it until he was marched to the nurse’s office for a change of clothes.

   The teachers always tried to keep a lid on these things, but the kids never missed a beat. They nicknamed him “Captain Underpants.’’

Take a Walk on the Wildside

  Harvey Kuenn was less than 3 years removed from a right leg amputation when he managed the Milwaukee Brewers, a group of sluggers nicknamed Harvey’s Wallbangers, to their only World Series appearance in 1982. Kuenn had lost his right leg just below the knee, the consequence of blood clots. TV commentators, national audiences and the St. Louis Cardinals had to kill time during Kuenn’s painfully slow mound visits. He dragged his right leg up the dugout steps, crossed the foul line and labored up to the pitcher’s rubber.

  One sarcastic writer penned: “If he wants to remove a pitcher in the seventh inning, he has to start his walk in the sixth.’’

  The Emergency Room
   In the wee hours after far too many beers, a concrete village planter tipped over and struck my buddy Leo on the big toe. No details will be shared on how it landed there, but we were fresh out of college and probably the forerunners to Dumb and Dumber.

    Between the pain in his foot and the blood in his shoe, Leo insisted we go to the emergency room in smalltown Ohio. Fueled by alcohol, I blabbed to the stunning young doctor, working alone in the ward, how I could help because my mother was a nurse. So she handed me an ice pack to hold on Leo’s toe.

   Leo was writhing in pain on the gurney when he asked, “What should I do about the swelling?’’ So I moved the ice pack to his groin.

 Searching for O Little Town of Bethlehem
    This joke predates Garmins and cellphones, when directions were a rare commodity and stubborn men, chastised by their wives, refused to seek help.

 Q. How did they know that Joseph didn’t stop and ask for directions on the way to Bethlehem?

  A. Because Mary rode his ass the entire time.

A movie buff in the making

  My son Liam was becoming a film junkie early in life. He loved Jaws, wanted to grow up and be the next Steven Spielberg, and would page through the movie ads at breakfast.

    His teacher shared the story about the morning our excited first-grader cornered him in the classroom.

  “Mr. Behnke, Mr. Behnke, Mr. Behnke!’’ Liam called.

  “Yes, Liam. Saying my name once will suffice.’’

  “Mr. Behnke, I was watching The Ten Commandments last night.’’

   Behnke was dumbfounded. He had never had a first-grader watch The Ten Commandments let alone be willing to discuss it. Images of Moses parting the Red Sea, burning bushes and Charlton Heston in flowing robes flooded his cerebral cortex.

  “Mr. Behnke, did you know that you have to smear animal blood over your doorway so the Angel of Death will pass over you?’’

   Behnke didn’t know how to answer, then the solution flashed before his eyes. He thought to himself: “There’s no way the classroom hamster goes home with this kid.’’

   Morristown native Jim Holleran is a retired teacher and sports editor from Rochester. Reach him at jimholleran29@gmail.com or view past columns under “Reflections of River Rat’’ at https://hollerangetsitwrite.com/blog/